E Pur Si Muove!

It is a sad day for fans of liberty and students of science when the President of the United States publicly endorses teaching a religious myth as science in America's public schools. We already have a hard enough time keeping our public education system in the same league as the rest of the industrial world; the last thing we need is religious zealots imposing their doctrine in the name of science. While we are at it, why not also teach women are the root of all evil, thanks to Eve's indulgence?

Since we want to be politically correct, we should also include teachings of other religions. We can introduce hard-line Islam and bar girls from going to school - that way, the boys will be much more attentive during the lectures on how to stone blasphemous infidels to death. Maybe some Scientology too - we would not want to offend Tom Cruise's aliens by only teaching one doctrine of creation. And of course, we would not want to leave out the Hopi's spider woman, creator of man, and sun god, creator of Earth. Also not to be forgotten is the Siberian theory that land was created by a giant defecating bird whose urine created the rivers, lakes, and oceans.

There are thousands more of these theories, so in the interest of making sure students are exposed to to as many schools of thought as Bush proposes, we should probably do away with unnecessary subjects like English (and replace it with Aramaic?) and history (the only history we need is the Old Testament) to make room for all these important schools of thought.

While we are at it, we can also take care of all those messy loose ends science cannot yet explain. Unfortunately, we discovered the Earth revolves are the Sun, so we can no longer preach about Ra, the Sun God. Gravity is another story - physics cannot fully explain what gravity is, so I hereby propose we formally include study of Gravitas, the new god of gravity, in our schools' curricula.

If we work hard enough to please Him, by God's good grace maybe one day we will be able to completely do away with secular education and have our own Western version of Saudi Arabia's and Pakistan's madrassas. Think of all the great things the madrassas students have accomplished over the past decade - we can only pray that some day we will be able to send our students out into the world to make similar contributions.